the butter and bacon diet
Norway is by far one of my favorite places in the world. But now that there’s a butter shortage I just don’t know that I’m all that interested in this backwoods country anymore. At least that was my first thought when I heard about the butter shortage. Because what kind of place doesn’t have butter? But then I learned about the butter and bacon diet. Because I totally want lose weight for the holidays by eating butter and bacon. Who wouldn’t? And this is a well known diet according to cheese seller, Frode Rekve (0:16 of the video below). So if Norway is going to introduce me to such an awesome diet, the love affair is back on. And if BBC News reports it, it must be true right? Right???
(I am so on my way to the store to stock up on butter and bacon.)
it’s only a few cookies (and two cakes)
So I started baking today. And baking and baking. I finally had to cut myself off, although I may make more cookies. Because I really like making cookies. This is what I had when I finally stopped baking:
But then it was time to ice the gingerbread cookies. And this is when I realized that even though I’m good at baking cookies, I cannot ice them to save my life. I haven’t decided what I’m going to tell people, but probably that a developmentally challenged toddler did this:
When it became clear that I can’t make a snowman look like a snowman, I decided to get all abstract. But that didn’t turn out much better.
So leaves me where I started. I have a table full of cookies that need icing and no toddler to blame the crap job on.
Sorry, Maker’s Mark but that’s a fail
So, I got this adorable Maker’s Mark sweater in the mail today to put on my bottle. But since I don’t buy that teeny tiny pansy sized bottle, my sweater doesn’t fit the grownup girl sized bottle I buy. Let’s be honest the sweater in and of itself is funny, but it’s hysterical when you put it on the wrong sized bottle.
peta, zombies, and marshalls
I had the strangest dream last night. I woke up this morning feeling all weird but liberated at the same time. So it goes like this: I was in the Marshalls shopping. This goes to the weird because I don’t ever go to the Marshalls and I’m not a huge fan of shopping. But there I was. And apparently, PETA had taken over the country. Seriously. And this makes it a little more nightmarish than dreamish because who the fuck wants to be a vegan? But, anyway, I’m at the Marshalls shopping and then they announce the PETA mandated zombie adoptions over the loud speaker. And then the PETA people start coming around the store with zombies on leashes giving them to people so they can take them home. I think I must have been in the Marshalls because I was in some sort of vegan haze because this really pissed me off that they were giving away zombies and not killing them. And I was really pissed off because my baseball bat was at home. And then I snapped. I found some frying pan in the houseware aisle and started taking out zombies while screaming, Fuck you, PETA!” And then I woke up.
I don’t know what that means; but I do know I don’t ever want to be a vegan, a member of PETA, shop at Marshalls, or adopt a fucking zombie.
Thanks for your support
So, I’ve gone all crazy with the running thing and started training for a 10k. Personally I find it hilarious because the idea of running that far isn’t something I ever thought I’d be doing. I’m just not really a runner. But I guess I kind of am now. Or crazy. Or something.
Whatever I am, I feel certain that I can do this. However there have been quite a few people in my life that flat out told me that they didn’t think I could. And this sucks. It’s rude and mean. I also don’t understand it. I went from running no miles to three miles in less than three months. But there’s an overwhelming doubt that I can go from three miles to six miles in four months. Not everyone in my life is a doubter. The people I work with seem to think I’ve got this. But my friends, not so much. I’d like to tell myself that this is some sort of reverse psychology thing, but I know deep down that it isn’t. So I’m back to asking questions that I don’t want to ask about my interpersonal relationships. So instead let’s talk about the first day of my new journey.
Day one went better than expected. After I ran that 5k a few weeks ago my running schedule had become spotty at best and when I went I was lucky to run two miles. Because I’m fucking lazy. And I still don’t just love running to death.
It was cold and windy as fuck so I actually ran pretty fast. Which is new because I’m a slow runner. In fact, I’ve only passed one person on the trail in my four months of running. It was so uncomfortable that anytime I saw another runner, one of use would bitch about the cold. I’ve never talked to that many people while I was running. It was kinda cool. But the best thing about running in the cold is wearing long sleeves. It’s just easier to wipe the snot off your face when you’re wearing them. And the fact that I have no problem blowing my nose on my shirt in public places should give you a good idea of why I remain single.
how to watch a movie
1. Push the power button on the DVD player repeatedly.
2. Realize the DVD player isn’t plugged in.
3. Realize the DVD player isn’t connected to anything.
4. Wonder why the fuck you unhooked the DVD player in the first place.
5. Hook up the DVD player and plug it in.
6. Wonder why the fuck it still doesn’t work.
7. Unplug the DVD player and reconnect the stupid fucking thing.
8. Wonder why the color is all fucked up.
9. Repeat step 7.
10. Repeat step 8.
11. Repeat step 7.
12. Repeat step 8.
13. Unplug the DVD play and shake the fuck out of it.
14. Repeat step 7.
15. Accept the fact that the color is all fucked up and decide to watch the movie anyway.
16. Fall asleep ten minutes into the movie.
17. Wake up on the couch three hours later because you can’t feel your legs that are trapped under two big dogs.
18. Go to bed.
what I learned from running a 5k
Mostly that if the zombie apocalypse comes, I hope that it’s slow moving zombies because I can’t run fast enough to get away from the speedy ones. Because seriously? That thing took forever. It was 45 minutes of hell because I suck at running. But then again, I didn’t do myself any favors by destroying my feet by wearing high heels on Friday night (while drinking a fuck ton of beer), staying up way too late on Saturday night (but it was so worth it to see James Marsters at the Buffy sing-a-long), and taking way too much allergy medicine because I couldn’t breathe. But really, I just suck at running.
So basically I learned that I need to get better at defending myself with a baseball bat because I’ll never be able to save myself by running away from anything. And that I’m really kind of dumb because I’m running another 5k on Thanksgiving morning.
you’d think I’d be in a better mood
but I’m not. Today is my Friday and that should make me happy, but it doesn’t. This week has been a never ending hell and I’m ready for it to be over now. The time change has fucked my sleep patterns up. And that’s saying something because they were already fucked up. So I already have that working against me. And yesterday was just bullshit. I woke up at 4 in the morning because I was on edge about a crazy ass hearing that I knew I could never really prepare for. And I was right. I don’t think I’ve ever had to object to so much unexpected bullshit during a hearing in my life. And I thought that being assaulted at a hearing would be impossible to top. How wrong I was. The whole thing was ridiculous. I really appreciated that the woman I was after had her sister testify about some made up conversation she had at the check out line at the Walmart. Because really? It was two hours of whining and lying. And I did not appreciate the crying. Because how dare someone steal that much money and then cry about it because they tried to “fix it”. Return the money. That’s how you fix it. But the thing that really pissed me off was when she tried to make her case to the judge after the hearing when I walked out of the room to make copies of the bullshit “evidence” she brought. And my day just kind of went downhill from there. Which is hard to believe, but it did. It isn’t worth going into because it’s all so ridiculous. And it wasn’t until this morning that I realized I just flat out forgot to eat dinner last night. That’s how stupid my day was.
So today can’t be any worse. In fact, it should be better. And yet, here I am, grumpy as hell. So happy its my Friday.
two weeks of not running in a nutshell
[day 19]
hatred level: no, just no.
I really should just rename my blog to “how to not learn how to run because you party too much”. Because really, I just suck at this. Last weekend I drank way too much two nights in a row and killed my feet. Which leads me to this question: how the fuck do whores and strippers deal with wearing super high heels all the time? I wore mine on Saturday night and my feet still hurt like hell and it’s Monday. I was on my feet for eight hours in four inch heels and I still don’t have the feeling back in a few of my toes. And running was like slamming my feet into a bunch of nails. Needless to say, I really didn’t run that far, gave up, and hobbled back home.
and then I quit running for a week… and then I bought new shoes, but still didn’t run…
[day 20]
hatred level: the highest
I’m back to square one. Taking a week off running was like the worst idea ever. Nothing I can do about it now but start over. Today was miserable, just like my allergies. Just when I thought I was getting into it I was overwhelmed by a sneezing fit and had to use my shirt as a kleenex. Sexy, no? It really sucked because I like my new running shoes. Which also made it suck because I ran faster because my feet didn’t hurt. And that wore me out. Which was a beat down because I felt like all the progress I’ve made was nullified by not running for a week. So, yeah, fuck.
and then I quit running for another week because I felt like shit and also I’m smart like that…
[day 21]
There’s is not hate today, just the thought of “what the fuck is wrong with me?
So it’s less than a week until I run a 5k and I can run 2 fucking miles. Gee, I wonder if that has anything to do with all my partying like a has been rock star and not running. And because I’m so fucking committed to all this running I signed up to do another 5k on Thanksgiving. The irony is not lost on me.
people need to leave me the fuck alone
Some days it’s difficult to do my job. Like today. It seems like no matter how hard I try, people don’t believe it when I tell them to leave me the fuck alone. This morning I put my do not disturb sign on my door so I could get ready for my hearing. And people know I have a hearing. Hell, everybody in my office wants to go to my hearing. And yet person after person knocked on my door and then just walked in when I didn’t answer. Because was I busy working and not wanting to be fucking disturbed, they did. After the third disruption I decided that I needed a sign that was a little more clear about the concept of do not disturb.
And it worked for the most part. However, it didn’t stop the dumbass I’m going up against from calling me to tell me she couldn’t make her hearing tomorrow. When I told that was OK because it was on Wednesday she really didn’t know where to go from there. So that was entertaining. I fully expect her to call back tomorrow with a new lame excuse about how she can’t show up for me to kick her ass in court and that’s just going to piss me off.
